


Gamzee and Karkat's Reunion

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, M/M, Sadstuck, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 08:01:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5658745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Non-Game AU: Gamzee becomes a laughassassin, Karkat a rebel leader, but Karkat seeks out Gamzee. It doesn't go as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gamzee and Karkat's Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> No warnings due to spoilers. However, there is bathroom stuff because apparently I'm Kojima.

In the past perigee of the war, the Laughassassins suffered defeats at the hands of the Sufferists Army. Yet one unit of mostly young privates had managed to pull off a minor but morale-boosting coup. Of course, they threw a party. It was four hours and twenty minutes into this party that Private Gamzee Makara announced,

 

“You only rent Faygo!”

 

Everyone who could hear over the din laughed and those who didn’t hear Gamzee laughed anyway. The joke had been made several times that day already and it was the type of joke that would get a non-Subjuggulator subjuggulated, but no one cared.

 

Gamzee first went to the public toilet block, but it was closed for repairs. He had to take the long way to his quarters. The party faded away in his ears. His walk was fairly steady since he wasn’t drunk yet, only tipsy. When he arrived at his door, his card key locked his door instead of opening it. He assumed the error was on his part or his blockmate’s and he tried again. Soon he was in his quarters and into his washblock. He did his business and went to the wash basin (since clowns were nasty but not that nasty). As he dried his hands, he heard the shower door open. He slowly turned around, assuming it was his blockmate, only to find the shortest, most stubby horned Laughassassin he had ever seen. Even if the size didn’t disqualify him to be a Laughassassin, the non-regulation shades gave the game away. These nights, nobody but Sufferists covered their eyes. The handgun pointed at Gamzee was another clue.

 

However, Gamzee did absolutely nothing to this obvious imposter. He didn’t take out his clubs or wrestle the imposter to the floor or use chucklevoodooes or even put his hands up in surrender. For Cadet Makara was a good soldier but a terrible warrior. He didn’t know what to do without an order. The scene was hilarious but he couldn’t bring himself to laugh.

 

The imposter said in a soft but scratchy voice, “I’m not going to hurt you.”

 

This got a snort. “You thinkin’ I’m scared you’ll be the one to get the hurt on me? And not up and reverse?”

 

“You haven’t yet. Do you recognize me?”

 

“Beyond you being the most obvious imposter ever? Nope.”

 

“We’ve met before. Remember, CG, grey text?”

 

Gamzee had only seen the troll before him two times yet he had poured over that grey text many times.

 

“Holy fuck, Karkat Vantas?!”

 

“Shhhh! Do you want us to get caught, asshole?” Karkat glanced at the washblock door. “Go lock the door.”

 

“Why should I lock it?”

 

“You have a blockmate, right? We can’t be caught.”

 

Gamzee shrugged in response. He unfearfully turned his back on the armed Sufferist and locked the door before turning back. Karkat put away his handgun.

 

“Good,” he said, “God, it’s so weird meeting in this cramped ablution block, me standing in that sectional while you use a load gapper.”

 

“Ablution? Sectional? Gapper?”

 

“Come on, you used to use those words too!”

 

“I forgot any motherfucker used those words.”

 

“You’ve been with these crazy highbloods too long.”

 

“You come just to mock my speakin’?”

 

“No, though you do deserve that, but I’m here to get you off this ship.”

 

“You kidnappin’ me? I’m just a private.”

 

“It’s not a kidnapping. You can’t kidnap a friend.”

 

“We’re friends?”

 

“You really can’t remember me? You used to call me your ‘motherfuckin’ best friend’ every night.”

 

“I remember that motherfucker.”

 

“See? I’m your friend and you’ll join us.”

 

“Now what could be this ‘us’?”

 

Karkat whispered, “The Sufferists.”

 

“The Sufferists? I never thought you’d take to religion.”

 

“Well, religion took to me. You see...” He took off his shades revealing his bright red eyes. “I’m their chosen leader.”

 

Gamzee leaned down and looked at his wigglerhood friend’s eyes. “That’s a pretty color, like Red Pop.”

 

Karkat flinched and put back his shades. “Is that all you’re going to say?”

 

“Has it always and always been that color? You ain’t never been grey blooded?”

 

“Yes, I was born this way, I only used grey text because I wanted an air of mystery around me for nosey fuckers. Aren’t you going to say something about me being the Second Signless?”

 

“Motherfuckers say there ain’t no Signless.”

 

“Motherfuckers are wrong then. I’m right here before you.”

 

“Why you never confess to me?”

 

“I hadn’t even heard the word Signless until I was an eight sweep old deserter and you were Off-Planet.”

 

“But you’ve always known you had red blood. Why didn’t you say something when we was three?”

 

“I didn’t tell anyone when I was a wiggler, not even Sollux. You weren’t a special case.”

 

“I wasn’t special?”

 

“Well, now you know. All our friends know. The last hoofbeast crosses the finishing line and everyone gets an award for participation. So stop whining.”

 

“I wouldn’t have given a fuck if you had red blood. I wouldn’t then or now. I even find myself liking it.”

 

“It’s a relief to hear that, unless you mean you want to bathe in my blood. You don’t, do you?”

 

“...no.”

 

“Then we need to get you away from these grotesque blood bathers. I don’t want to even think about what they must force you to do. Go get packed.”

 

“Nope.”

 

Karkat scratched his chin. “Yeah, maybe that would be suspicious if anyone...”

 

“I mean I ain’t going.”

 

“We have an escape vehicle, you don’t need to worry. It’s all planned. Don’t puss out on us.”

 

“I ain’t a motherfuckin’ coward, I’m a motherfuckin’ loyalist.”

 

“So was Equius and he’s with us.”

 

Gamzee snorted. “He ain’t never been loyal to anything but power. I’m loyal to the highest of high powers.”

 

“I know the Grand Highblood is scary as shit but we...”

 

“I don’t mean no mortal motherfucker, I mean the Mirthful Messiahs. My blood is their blood.”

 

“And maybe you can keep them and still join our cause. I think we have a handful of detoxed...”

 

“I ain’t been brainwashed!” Gamzee growled, “You think you’re some motherfuckin’ god when you don’t know a shit-smear on a toilet paper ‘bout religion.”

 

“I don’t think I’m a god, this Signless bullshit is more complicated than that. I’m not claiming to be an expert. You can talk with one back at the camp.”

 

“Even if my religion is as fakey fake bullshit as I can see you think it in your think pan, even if there ain’t no Messiahs, there’s still my motherfucking friends in that noise-makin’ block.”

 

“You mean the clowns you work with? We’re the ones who are your friends.”

 

“I ain’t never had myself a real friend with no one ‘til Enlistment.”

 

“Did they wipe out your memories?”

 

“The problem for y’all is they ain’t wipe out my memory. I remember every bullshit you squawked at me.”

 

“I’m like that with everyone!”

 

“But I was the only one who smiled and took it. I was like a kicked barkbeast comin’ for more. Besides, just because you spread around the salt don’t make it less a sin to be salty to your friends.”

 

“And your Laughassassin ‘friends’ aren’t salty?”

 

“Clowns are the nicest motherfuckers a motherfucker could ever meet.”

 

Karkat snorted. “What motherfucker would want to meet one?”

 

“Well, another clown motherfucker would. I wish my all I’d met them earlier. My comrades actually compliment and support me. I kicked the tin thanks to them.”

 

“I used to tell you every night to do that!”

 

Gamzee scratched his chin. “I recall it was Equius all advisin’ that.”

 

“How would you remember, you were high the whole time! I’m sure I mentioned it at least once. If not, Equius can remind you again not to shove toxins down your squawkpipe.”

 

“He only said it ‘cause he thought I’d get my carnal performance on better.”

 

“Okay, so you think Equius is a creep, we all do. But what about Tavros?”

 

“The last decent talkin’ I got up with him was when we were six, before I asked him out. He said he’d think ‘bout it and that tight-rope bullshit went on for miles of sweeps. I got a matesprit now, all on paper.”

 

“Well...” Karkat looked down and his checks started to turn a mutant shade. “Do you have a moirail?”

 

“Not officially, but I got the makings of one. I got every quadrant sewn-“

 

“Could-I-be-your-moirail?” Karkat squeaked out.

 

“You pale for me? You ain’t just sayin’ that to lure a motherfucker off a ship?”

 

Karkat looked back up, his face now perfectly red. “I’m not lying, you fucking paranoiac. I don’t confess my love for fun and profit.”

 

“I felt wicked pale for you as a wiggler. I always hoped to tame myself that flamey fire.”

 

“Okay, that does it, we’re a pair. I wish we could have a more lengthy scene but-“ He checked his watch. “We’re running late. Let’s go.”

 

“Uhhh...honk...”

 

“Honk what? Are you coming or not?”

 

Gamzee put his hand on Karkat’s shoulder. “In my own clownin’ way, I’ll always have love for you.”

 

“I know, I know!”

 

Gamzee suddenly looked at the washblock door. “Motherfuck, I hear my blockmate!”

 

Karkat peered at the door. “You do? I can’t hear-“

 

But Karkat’s words were cut off by his friend’s hands on his neck. In one well-practiced move, Gamzee broke the neck. He released and his friend’s body crumpled on the tiny floor like an ill-placed shower curtain.

 

After Gamzee had stopped hyperventilating and his heart stopped beating so hard, he check his friend’s breath and pulse. Karkat’s lungs breathed no harsh air and his heart pumped no mutant blood. Gamzee hoped the death was painless; Laughassassins generally weren’t taught how to do painless deaths. He also prayed that the sudden death was confusing enough that Karkat’s spirit memory would assume the blockmate had done it. If Karkat’s mind was sharp even in death, Gamzee prayed that his former friend would forgive him for his decision.

 

It was the only truly noble path Gamzee could take. He could never abandon his fellow Subjuggulators to go with a rebel, nor could he let a rebel escape. Yet he also couldn’t let his wigglerhood friend be tortured by the Empire. Quick death was Gamzee’s last gift to Karkat.

 

Gamzee supposed the rebellion would die out now that the Second Signless was dead, or at least it would go into hibernation. There would be a peace. He liked that idea. However, it made him sick to think of getting praise for this. He almost hoped they would torture him for denying the Empress her prisoner. He felt more like a sinner than a saint.

 

Gamzee had told Karkat that he had a moirail lined up. Nekten was back in the party, unaware of what had happened. Gamzee knew he could tell his commander but he wasn’t sure he could ever confess to Nekten what really happened. For one, Gamzee didn’t know any more if Nekten was his destined palemate.

 

Still, he had to do his duty. He got up off the floor and looked in the mirror. His paint was smeared by tears. Yet he left with his face unfixed. It was more honest that way.

**Author's Note:**

> Nekten is just some random syllables I put together.


End file.
